TRUE LOVE IS BASED ON CHOICE NOT NEED

Ah, the age-old debate about love. Is it a choice or a need? Some will say it’s a beautiful mix of both, while others, usually the ones who have a seriously skewed perspective, claim it’s all about choice. And sure, while I agree with the idea that true love is based on choice, let’s not pretend that our basic needs don’t play a tiny little role in it, okay? Because if we’re being honest, choosing to love someone when you need them to meet your fundamental needs doesn’t sound like a fairy tale; it sounds like a business deal. So, let’s break this down, shall we?

The truth is, there are plenty of things we need in a relationship. I’m talking about the need for teamwork, for communication that doesn’t feel like pulling teeth, for someone who’s willing to support your dreams and goals, even if those dreams involve becoming a professional napper or mastering the art of Netflix binging. A good relationship requires trust, respect, and, brace yourself—self-care, which involves putting yourself first sometimes. Because if you’re constantly filling someone else’s emotional cup while your own is empty, you’re just a human-sized sponge who’s about to wring themselves out. Sounds fun, right?

But here’s the kicker: just because you need these things doesn’t mean you’re needy. We’re not talking about the kind of neediness where you suffocate your partner with constant texts, stalking their social media accounts, and asking where they are every five minutes. No, no, we’re talking about the essential needs that make a relationship function like, you know, a healthy relationship. So let’s be clear: needing someone to respect you doesn’t make you weak; it makes you someone with standards.

Now, about that whole “choice” thing. Some people love to wax poetic about how true love is all about choice—like you wake up one day and just decide, “Yep, today’s the day I’m going to love this person forever, no strings attached, no need for any deeper connection. I just choose them.” Like, really? Are we in a rom-com or a reality show? Sure, love is a choice, but let’s not pretend we’re choosing to love someone just because they’re nice. You choose to love someone because you want to, yes, but you also choose them because they meet your needs, emotional, physical, and occasionally spiritual. And guess what? You’ll choose to stop loving them the moment those needs aren’t being met. That’s the truth. If the guy you’re with doesn’t provide the right balance of emotional support, respect, and decent cooking skills, you’ll be heading for the door faster than you can say, “Where’s my team player?” 

But let’s not just pick on the women here, because men have their own little delusions to work through. Some men will tell you that love is a simple choice and that it’s about finding the right woman. Fair enough. But when push comes to shove, when he’s faced with the reality of a woman who doesn’t meet his needs, guess what? He’ll choose someone who does. So, yes, we’re all choosing love based on our needs. The difference is that some people have just become really good at pretending it’s all about the heart and not the mind—or in some cases, the bank account.  

But let’s address the “need” vs. “choice” dilemma head-on. Here’s the thing: we are biologically wired to need each other. As much as some people want to play the lone wolf, we’re built for connection. It’s in our DNA to seek out others, form bonds, and yes, to need certain things from those bonds. No one is truly independent in the grand scheme of things. Even the “strong, independent” folks out there still need love, support, and validation. Otherwise, they’re just walking around like human-sized islands, hoping their Wi-Fi connection is strong enough to sustain them. Love is definitely a choice. But living? That’s a need. And sometimes, we make the choice to love someone because we need to be seen, heard, and cared for. Not to mention, because it's nice when someone doesn’t suck at making dinner once in a while.

Now, I can hear you all saying, “But what about the wrong partner? Can’t love just be a choice in that case?” Sure, you can choose the wrong person. You can make the decision to stick around for the wrong reasons—because you need them to feel validated, because they check off some arbitrary box of what you think you should want. And that, my friends, is where things get messy. If you’re choosing someone because you need them to make you feel like a “somebody,” well, congratulations, you’ve just set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Because guess what? No one is going to meet every single one of your needs 100% of the time. And if you’re only in it because of what you get from them, you’re in for one hell of a rude awakening when the honeymoon phase wears off.

The moral of the story is simple: true love is both a choice and a need. You need a partner who can meet your needs, and you choose to love them because of the way they fulfill you. If you’re in a relationship solely based on need and not choice, you’re basically just an emotional sponge trying to soak up someone else’s energy. Not cute. But if you’re making that choice with someone who fills your cup and doesn’t drain it, you’re onto something. And trust me, that’s the kind of love you’ll choose every single time.

So, to sum it up, choose wisely. Don’t choose based on your desperate need to feel “complete.” Choose based on what you want in a partner and what will keep you both growing, supporting, and thriving in a relationship. Because if it’s just about meeting needs, then you’re not really choosing love—you’re choosing a transaction. And who wants to be in a relationship that feels like a business deal? Certainly not me.