From Boss to Drunken Master

Oh, look at that. Another Monday, another high profile suspension in the Land of the Brave.

My fellow Namibians, gather ‘round. I have breaking news that has shocked me to my very core (she says, while sipping coffee and staring blankly at a wall). It has been officially confirmed that Bra Joseph Shimweelao Shikongo, our beloved, untouchable, "I'll retire when I want" Inspector General of the Namibian Police Force, has finally been shown the red card. Twelve months of gardening leave, to be precise.

Cue the world’s smallest violin.

Now, before the comments section attacks me, let me make one thing painfully clear. I have been publicly, loudly, and proudly at the forefront of calling for his suspension since the Stone Age. But, and this is the part where I pretend to be a saint, Bra Shikongo, if there was any foul play in your suspension, you are more than welcome to report your matter to me.

Yes, you heard me right. I will fight for you too. Because apparently, your rights also matter. My only interest is Fair Justice. (Cue the dramatic orchestral music and a single tear rolling down my cheek.)

Let’s be honest, General. You might not realize it while you’re packing up your corner office, but this suspension is a blessing in disguise. Think of all the free time you’ll have! You will finally get to see who is Real and who was actually a Snake 🐍.

You know the saying: When the grass gets shorter, that’s when the Snakes get revealed. Right now, the grass is cut down to the roots, and I can practically see the reptiles slithering for cover. From one General to another (in my dreams), I wish you Strength and Peace during this Difficult time. You’ll need it.

But let me preach for a second. One thing I never wish upon another man is their Downfall. Because life has a sick sense of humor. When you Dig 🪏 Someone’s Grave, you are Equally Digging 🪏 your Own Grave. So, let’s all put the shovels down, shall we?

Now, onto the part where we stop pretending.

They say the suspension stems from "long standing discontent" and not the "widely reported security breach" at State House. Right. And I have a bridge in the Namib Desert to sell you.

Let’s talk about that security breach. A civilian walked into State House like he was picking up milk and bread. He passed all the security protocols. Every gate. Every checkpoint. Every officer who apparently thought, "Eh, he looks friendly enough." How does that happen? How does a regular civilian become a ghost at the most fortified building in the country? It doesn’t raise questions. It screams answers.

But wait, there’s more.

Apparently, Shikongo was also busy on social media. The man was involved in more controversial conversations than a WhatsApp pastor. He was everywhere except actually protecting the State House. Thirsty for attention? Maybe. Thirsty for something else?

And since we are airing the dirty laundry, those who know him well, and I mean really well, whisper that the man drinks heavily. Like, "there’s no tomorrow" heavily. That’s a fantastic look for the head of the Namibian protection unit, isn’t it? A top cop who might mistake a burglar for a dancing pole after happy hour.

Suddenly, that fatal accident years ago that claimed lives, the one that got swept under the rug, it’s all starting to make a terrible kind of sense now, isn’t it?

It’s a shame, really. 😌🤌🏾

But hey, let’s look on the bright side. He turns 62 in September, which means he was already collecting a pension while pretending to work. By the time this 12 month suspension is over, he’ll be older than the hills and not expected to return anyway. Problem solved!

So here’s to you, General. Enjoy your "sabbatical." Try not to dig any graves on the way out. And for the love of justice, stay away from the steering wheel.