The Celibacy Spectrum, Plastic Boyfriends, and the Loneliness Epidemic (You’re Welcome)

Let’s get one thing straight before you type your furious manifesto in the comments section.

There is Strict Celibacy (the "I am a fortress, no one enters" vibe).

There is partial Celibacy (the "I am a fortress, but the back door is slightly ajar" vibe).

And then there is Temporary Celibacy (the "I am a fortress, but I’m currently on a lunch break" vibe).

Define which one you’re on before you start shouting from the rooftops like a motivational speaker who just discovered meditation. The clarity is important, ladies, because I am tired of seeing the same rhetorical gymnastics.

Specifically, the gymnastics that lead to the groundbreaking scientific discovery that: “You can be celibate and still use a Dildo.”

Oh, absolutely. You’re right. You are technically correct. A plastic friend doesn't break the rules of the flesh, does it? It’s the loophole of the century. But let me ask you, while you’re charging that device and reading the instructions manual (because apparently, they come with them now), have you ever stopped to consider the architect of your pleasure?

The Irony:

Women don’t realise the fact that men are the ones who put them in a masturbation mood. Because, wait for it...men are the major inventors and manufacturers of those devices you’re using. Yes, that sleek, rose-gold, USB-rechargeable "Satisfier Pro"? Designed by a dude in a lab coat who probably couldn't find a clitoris on a map. You are literally paying a man to stimulate you while you claim to be celibate to avoid men.

The math isn’t mathing, is it?

Now, to the "Wise Women" reading this. The ones who are currently nodding their heads, thinking, "Ah, that is why I don't use gadgets." Congratulations. You have achieved the level of "wise" where you realize that using your own hands is apparently somehow more "natural" than using a piece of molded silicone. It’s like saying you’d rather wash your clothes on a rock by the river than use a washing machine because a man invented the washing machine. The logic is flawless. Truly.

But let’s address the elephant in the room, or rather, the buzz in the drawer.

If you are celibate and you masturbate, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Go ahead. Read that again. I am not your mother, I am not your pastor, and I’m certainly not the morality police. You do you.

However...(You knew this was coming, right?)

Masturbation brings loneliness. Yes, I said it. That deep, gut-wrenching feeling of abandonment doesn’t come from being single. It comes from sitting in a dark room, looking at a wall, post-"climax," realizing the only person who touched you today was you.

And that, my dear readers, is where the depression creeps in.

Aaaaaagghaaaaaa.

You can hear it, can’t you? That hollow echo. You finish the deed, throw the device to the other side of the bed like it offended you, and suddenly, you’re staring at the ceiling wondering where your life went wrong.

You traded the stress of a man for the loneliness of the void. Is it better? Maybe. Is it easier? Definitely. But don't confuse relief with happiness.

So, to the celibate queens and the battery-operated kings: Keep charging your toys and swearing off men. It’s your body, your choice, and your business.

But while you’re "finding yourself," just remember that the only person you’re truly abandoning in that moment is yourself. And depression is just loneliness on a really bad Wi-Fi connection.

Stay wise. Stay celibate. Or don't. I don't care.

Just make sure your toys are fully charged. We don't need a power outage mid- "spiritual journey." That would be tragic.

Drop your thoughts in the comments below, and please, try not to have an existential crisis before you hit 'send.'😜